Caputin Arena
The newspaper of record for the record that Harvard would prefer not exist
The Harvard Lampoon, the world’s oldest humor publication, announced today its permanent closure. The Board determined that the only content it could publish without triggering immediate social ostracism and complete cancellation was the ingredients list of a Corn Flakes box. It has since been contacted by the gluten-free community.
The Lampoon Castle will be repurposed as the Harvard Office of Pre-Publication Humor Clearance, empowered to review proposed jokes before they may be told by any Harvard student in any setting, including dining halls, dormitory common rooms, section, and the shower. Students wishing to tell a joke must submit the proposed joke, its intended audience, the comedic mechanism being employed, and a 250-word impact assessment no fewer than fourteen weeks prior to the intended delivery. Current processing time is fourteen months. The Office is fully staffed. It is doing its best. The building’s castle turrets will remain.
The editor-in-chief has accepted a position as a sensitivity reader at a major publisher, where she ensures no manuscripts contain anything that could be construed as funny. The cartoonist has pivoted to drawing things that cannot offend anyone. His current series depicts rocks. The series has received no complaints. It has also received no readers. Three former staff writers have joined Caput in Arena. One is wearing a mask from 2021. It has not been washed.
The president of the Lampoon issued a statement. The statement was reviewed by counsel. The statement was not funny. This was considered progress.
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The Harvard Lampoon is real and has not closed. The building is real. The 4,000 percent figure is an estimate. The mask has not been verified. Caput in Arena does not yet have staff writers, which is why we are telling you this.
The $2.2 billion funding freeze is real. The $53 billion endowment is real. The fellow in the wetsuit is a reconstruction. At $345 per Saturday, closing the funding gap would take approximately 12,173 years.
The original Caterpillar divestment is real. The case study is real. The countries on the exclusion list have each been cited by at least one major international human rights organization in the past twelve months. The Editorial Board found the list clarifying. Tuvalu’s jellyfish lake tour operator was unavailable for comment.
The phrase is real. The definition is real. The settlement is real. The pierogi ruskie were unavailable for comment.
The t-shirts are real. The course is real. The complaint was filed twice and dismissed twice. Form ACAD-12(b), for complainants who failed to anticipate their harm, must itself be filed fourteen days in advance. The east stairwell remains closed.
Economics 10b is real. Competitive markets remain, at press time, efficient. A subcommittee may be formed.
The Office of Wellbeing is real. The door, in the Editorial Board’s experience, also remains.
The report is real. The 7 percent figure is real. The Shabbat dinner occurred. The retraction is real. The gap between them has not been explained.
The Lockerbie bombing is real. The proposed Harvard memorial is real. The holiday does not yet exist. North Korea’s application remains open.
Question 5 appears verbatim. The reader is invited to determine what, if anything, required eleven weeks.
The Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps is real. SJP chapters at American universities are real. Harvard’s capacity to form subcommittees that do not meet has been independently verified. The founder’s appeal is still pending.
The ADL Report Card is real. The grades are real. The Office of Strategic Narrative Management was unavailable for comment on its own availability.