Harvard Lampoon Announces Closure. To Become Scientology Center.

The Harvard Lampoon, the world’s oldest humor publication, announced this month its permanent closure. The Board determined that the only content it could publish without triggering immediate social ostracism and complete cancellation was the ingredients list of a Corn Flakes box. It has since been contacted by the gluten-free community.

With the building vacated, the Church of Scientology submitted a formal offer to acquire the Lampoon Castle and convert it into a Spiritual Technology Learning Center. The Church cited the building’s castle turrets as consistent with its communications infrastructure and noted that the space would be used for Operating Thetan coursework, stress testing, and introductory e-meter sessions open to the Harvard community. Harvard would receive three accredited credits for participation. The Church described this as an exciting opportunity for interfaith dialogue.

The Lampoon board noted that the Scientology center would, at minimum, have permitted jokes, provided they were about psychiatry.

Harvard moved immediately to block the acquisition.

The University submitted a competing bid to convert the building into the Harvard Office of Pre-Publication Humor Clearance, empowered to review proposed jokes before they may be told by any Harvard student in any setting, including dining halls, dormitory common rooms, section, and the shower. A University spokesperson said Harvard had a responsibility to ensure the building continued to serve the educational mission of the institution. The spokesperson did not address whether that mission was compatible with Scientology. Harvard considers both questions unrelated.

Students wishing to tell a joke under the proposed new system must submit the joke, its intended audience, the comedic mechanism being employed, and a 250-word impact assessment no fewer than fourteen weeks prior to the intended delivery. Current projected processing time is fourteen months. Jokes cleared by the Office will be issued a Humor Clearance Certificate valid for one delivery only. Subsequent tellings require a new application.

The Church of Scientology issued a statement saying it respected Harvard’s commitment to free inquiry and considered the two organizations philosophically aligned. Harvard has not responded. Harvard is considering its response. A subcommittee has been formed.

The Lampoon’s board has voted to accept whichever offer closes first. Harvard’s offer is currently under review by the Committee on Institutional Real Estate and Related Sensitivities. The committee is expected to report within fourteen months. The Church of Scientology has said it can close in two weeks.

The editor-in-chief has accepted a position as a sensitivity reader at a major publisher, where she ensures no manuscripts contain anything that could be construed as funny.

The cartoonist has pivoted to drawing things that cannot offend anyone. His current series depicts rocks. The series has received no complaints. It has also received no readers.

The president of the Lampoon issued a statement. The statement was reviewed by counsel. The statement was not funny. This was considered progress.

Three former staff writers have joined Caput in Arena under pseudonyms. Two are not using pseudonyms but asked that their faces not be photographed. One is wearing a mask. The mask is from 2021. It has not been washed. The Editorial Board considers this a reasonable precaution.

The Lampoon was founded in 1876. The ratio of complaints to pieces published has increased by approximately 4,000 percent since that time. The Board considers this trajectory incompatible with continued operation and wishes the community well in its ongoing efforts to ensure that nothing is funny.

Caput in Arena welcomes the Lampoon’s former staff and notes that we are also not responsible for anything. We do not have an e-meter.

The Harvard Lampoon is real and has not closed. The building is real. The Church of Scientology did not submit a bid for the Lampoon Castle, to this publication’s knowledge. The 4,000 percent figure is an estimate. The mask has not been verified. Caput in Arena does not have an e-meter.